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Old 07-02-2008, 04:57 AM   #16
Wilddiver
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father .... During World War II, a beautiful young Jewish girl from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.



This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question."

"And what is that, my son?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"
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Old 07-02-2008, 08:38 AM   #17
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, 'So, you are the great Lone Ranger! In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,

before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.



The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. 'You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?' The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.



Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.



The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. 'You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?' The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse,....alone.'



The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both

ears, looks him square in the eye and says, 'Listen very carefully ... for the last time ... I said..... 'BRING POSSE!'
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Old 07-02-2008, 10:35 PM   #18
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

keep'em coming!!!
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Old 07-02-2008, 11:35 PM   #19
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by CAMPILLOS View Post
keep'em coming!!!
A kid and a child molester are walking into the woods.
The kid looks up at the child molester and says " Gee, it sure is dark out here. I'm scared."

The child molester says "You're scared??!! I have to walk out of here alone in a few minutes!"
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Old 07-03-2008, 11:25 AM   #20
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

A Bad Day

A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."
The guy says, "Am I ever! To start, I woke up late for work. On my way to work I got in an accident. When I got to work I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. Then to top everything off I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"
The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."
The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"
The guy says, "I said BAD DOG!"
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:02 PM   #21
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

I got home the other nite, walked in and my wife demanded I take her somewhere expensive.

So we loaded up and I took her to the gas station.
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Old 07-03-2008, 12:49 PM   #22
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

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Originally Posted by deepexplorer View Post
I got home the other nite, walked in and my wife demanded I take her somewhere expensive.

So we loaded up and I took her to the gas station.
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Old 07-03-2008, 01:25 PM   #23
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Two buddies, George and Terry, are getting very drunk at a bar when
suddenly Terry throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no. Now Carolyn will kill me!"
George says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket
and tell Carolyn that someone threw up on you
and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually, Terry rolls into home and Carolyn starts to give him a bad
time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself!
My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Terry says,
"Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh not wha j! ew think.
I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me . . .
he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor.
He said he was verrry sorry an'gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Carolyn looks in the breast pocket and says,
"But this is forty bucks!"
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.
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Old 07-05-2008, 10:08 AM   #24
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name
Was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, "If

Anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
Morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest, where he
Made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next
Day, un till Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by, and no one dared call him Onestone, that is until a woman
Named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
< BR>Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to
Her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next
Day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?????...........................



OH , Come on ... Take a guess!




Think about it. (You're going to love this!)




The moral is


You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
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Old 07-05-2008, 10:19 AM   #25
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Monica

After a relaxing bath...Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror...
Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her...

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help... "God...If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," She prayed...
And just like that... her ears fell off...
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Old 03-29-2011, 06:50 PM   #26
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

bump
A redneck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the Shadows.
"Twenty dollars," she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck, it's only twenty bucks, so he pays her and they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife!", Bubba answers, sounding annoyed.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, 'til ya shined that light in her face!!!
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Old 03-29-2011, 09:44 PM   #27
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Two other guys are drinking at the local bar; one drink leads to ten and soon it's very late. The first guy says "O'man I'm gonna catch Hell when i get home. I always try to be so careful and considerate. I turn off the engine and coast into the driveway; go in the back door; undress downstairs; and even pee down the side to the toilet so i don't wake my wife. Every time I get into bed she wakes up and gives me Hell. What am I going to do?"

The second guy says "Man you got it All wrong. I drive home carefully; but just before my driveway, I Floor it; slide into the driveway and slam on the breaks so i squeel the tires; go in the front door, which I slam; stomp up the stairs; Pee in the center of the toilet; go into the bedroom and almost shout 'I'm Horney as Hell.' & All I ever hear is my wife snoring."
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Old 03-30-2011, 01:00 AM   #28
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

I saw on the news that a French fighter jet has brought down a Libyan fighter jet.

That must have been one powerful distress flare.


--------------------------------------


My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn.

I told her, I love my car but I still watch Nascar too.

She was happy with this analogy - I just never mentioned I also go to Hertz for the occasional rental.


-----------------------------------------


Man I'm tired...

Stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.
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Old 03-30-2011, 08:38 AM   #29
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

"Watch Cinderall backwards and see a story of a women being put in her place"
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Old 03-30-2011, 11:02 AM   #30
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

a man walks into a bar and orders 9 shots of Jose' Cuervo.

The bartender says "whatcha celebrating there son?"

The man replies "my first BJ"

The bartender says, "well hell, congratulations! I'll buy you a shot too!"

The man says "no thanks, if 9 shots won't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will."
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