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Old 12-23-2004, 09:21 PM   #1
Dive4Blood
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I Have Gazed At Santa's Sack!

Despite being one of the most cherished figures in modern mythology, Santa Claus is for the most part, a total cone. Back in the late Spring of 2001, Santa and four of his elves chartered the Jolly Rogers 2 when it was based out of Mad Beach for a MG trip to stock up the arctic HQ with hogfish, and porgy fillets. Along for the ride was "Bilge-Pump Sally", a local dock whore who bore the name by virtue of her frequent use of a garden hose for female lavage around the back of Dick's Seafood after gangbang sessions with longliners returning from two week trips. The five hour run out to the MG was filled with what seemed like endless consumption of Wild Turkey, and sexual acts commited by St Nick so beyond the pale that the English language has no verbage available to accurately describe it.

The next morning I was paired up with a very hung over Santa on the first drop. The dive proceeded as normal, filling my HOD up with the usual denizens of the deep until I heard a plaintive "ho, ho, ho" echoing in all directions on the ledge. A frantic search on my part found the jolly old elf fully wrapped up with a 2# triggerfish that he had gut shot with a line gun. Unable to move, and panicking, he had already sucked his Al-80 dry when I arrived. I was able to cut him free, and with considerably difficulty, bring him to the surface in a controlled emergency ascent using my octopus. In his gratitude he vowed that in the days that preceded every Christmas, he would let me gaze longingly in his magical sack to see what gifts would lay under the tree on Christmas morn. In the holiday spirt, I bring to you tidings of the toys to come to the SB faithful!!

Dive4Blood - A decorative collar that delivers a powerful electric shock when he speaks ill of the competition. Speaking of which, those guys on the Holy Spear-It and Pressure Drop are......BZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTT ...... AHHHHHHHHGGGGGGG!!!!!! Also under the tree is a comb, enough already with the Albert Einstein/ She Blinded Me with Science hairdo....

Scott - 20 mg of the finest crystal meth cooked up in a single wide trailer outside of Avon Park. The man who runs a successful law practice, the world's foremost spearfishing website, one of the largest spearfishing tournaments, has a family, and also has a couple "projects" up his sleeve that soon all will know about needs all the extra energy he can get.

Zack- Aquaman "floaties", a collection of Michael Dukakis campaign paraphenalia, and a case of Red Bull so that way he will only sleep 16 hours a day on the dive boat instead of the usual 20.

Chad - A brand new hull brush to clean up the boat more frequently on the artificial reef. Spearboard cannot get enough of those edge of your seat tales of barnacle scraping adventures on the high seas.

Screen Name - A limited edition DVD release of the Exorcist where he can vicariously relive his spewful return from the MG aboard the Headhunter. Linda Blair? She ain't sh*t!!

**********Tampa- The cherished JR2 boat copy of the movie ***** My Puckered ***hole Volume 31, and a Mr. Microphone headset so that his nocturnal howls will echo across the watery expanse of the MG.

Bill McIntyre- A pole, and a ticket to Alaska. Why bother enraging neo-conservative ditto-heads into a mouth frothing frenzy on Spearboard when you can get more of a rush violently poking hibernating grizzlies until they wake up?

Inletsurf- What is Santa bringing one of my favorite Eastside n***az? A dope-ass 2005 candy apple Escalade with 24" Pirelli spinner blades, wood grain on the dash, Playstation in the back seat, Alpine bumping classic 2Pac all to pick up nasty bitches who resemble Lord of the Rings troll stunt doubles in the parking lot of the Melbourne Wal-Mart

Red Tide- A gift certificate for a Brazilian wax at the new metrosexual man-spa in South Tampa which will streamline his package into banana hammock perfection. Also, some ointment for his "wetsuit rash" which usually results in higher escort fees due to it's resemblance to Herpes Simplex 9.

Kmoose -An exclusive two year sponsorship deal with Wong Spearguns.

Bucket One- A five gallon Home Depot bucket spray painted in gold and purple, regal colors befitting the king of gunnel hunching. Also a lifetime supply of Chiquita bananas.

Denny- A plaque inscribed with the famous quote by one the USA's greatest president, Teddy Roosevelt, "speak softly, and carry a big stick". May you use those words to beat back the hordes of white booted, toothless longliners, Birkenstock wearing, folk music listening, hippie fish petting eco freaks, agenda wielding scientists queing up at the tax funded grant money hog trough , and allow us to keep slinging epic HOD's for years to come!!



Disclaimer-All references made in jest. If you can't take a joke then lock yourself in your room, and bitterly wack off to the Farrah Fawcett poster on the wall to relieve your tension you stiff shirt !

Last edited by Dive4Blood; 12-24-2004 at 07:45 AM.
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Old 12-23-2004, 09:47 PM   #2
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BRAVO!
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Old 12-23-2004, 10:10 PM   #3
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Whew!!! Zack approves, we were worried!!!
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Old 12-23-2004, 10:14 PM   #4
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Armando's annual Christmas gift arrives on the same schedule every year-- during my Christmas-eve-eve martini buzz.

Well played , my WASPY appearing hispanic brother!
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Old 12-23-2004, 10:16 PM   #5
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Oh, no, Scott's drunk. No more PWI, Mr. Forum Admin. No one wants to be called a mother *****ererererer during such a joyous time of the year.
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Old 12-23-2004, 10:43 PM   #6
richhermes
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Hot shit, I didn't make the D4B Xmas list this year!
It's going to be a great 2005.

D4B, our resident "Punxsutawney Phil" of the Sunshine state.
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Old 12-23-2004, 10:58 PM   #7
eyyeball
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Another D4B Classic (TM)
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Old 12-24-2004, 12:42 AM   #8
Marcus
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I was starting to wonder if our beloved D4B was going to present us with the annual christmas thread.

Thank you for the laughs, AJ... priceless.
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Old 12-24-2004, 01:07 AM   #9
ScottZeagle
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Man, all I got was a rock....

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Old 12-24-2004, 07:45 AM   #10
richhermes
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Quote:
Originally posted by ScottZeagle
Man, all I got was a rock....

LMAO!
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Old 12-24-2004, 10:19 AM   #11
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Thumbs up

Ya know it was a good year when you puked on the Headhunter!

Awesome job AJ! Thanks for sharing your entertaining thoughts with us for another year!
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Old 12-24-2004, 04:43 PM   #12
Reefrat
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Damn D4B I expected something a lil more off-color with that thread title!
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Old 12-24-2004, 09:34 PM   #13
Rolo
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Good job Armandito. Feliz Navidad!
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Old 12-25-2004, 09:32 AM   #14
inletsurf
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LOOK WHAT BIG JOLLY ASS PIMP HOOKED ME UP WIT>>>>>>



HE SAID "BOY YOU'D BETTA BE SLINGIN MY SLED ON DA EAST SIDE FO SOME HO HO HOES!!!"
YOU MY DAWG SANTA!!!!!!!

Last edited by inletsurf; 12-25-2004 at 01:55 PM.
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Old 01-16-2020, 10:09 PM   #15
Marcus
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Re: I Have Gazed At Santa's Sack!

Bump. I just happened to come across this whilst looking for something else.
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