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Old 03-30-2011, 05:21 PM   #31
Marcus
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

I had forgotten that one.

A horse walks into the bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "Why the long face?".

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar-tender here?"
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Old 03-30-2011, 10:54 PM   #32
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

watch Rambo in reverse and see a story about a wonderful man who brings people back to life with his magic bullet vacuum.
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Old 03-30-2011, 11:55 PM   #33
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope
with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so
Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can
get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home.
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Old 03-30-2011, 11:56 PM   #34
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
And those who don't and are always
Seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.

In a number of carefully controlled trials,
Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) p bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor)
Because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health .

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
Than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service
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Old 03-30-2011, 11:58 PM   #35
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,
WE ARE AWESOME !!!
OUR Lives are LIVING PROOF !!!


To Those of Us Born
1925 - 1970 :

At the end of this email is a quote of the month by J ay Leno. If you don't read anything else, please
read what he said.

Very well stated, Mr.. Leno.
~~~~~~~~~
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!


First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank
while they were pregnant.


They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then, after that trauma, we were
put to sleep on our tummies
in baby cribs covered
with bright colored lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets,
and, when we rode our bikes,
we had baseball caps,
not helmets, on our heads.



As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..


Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.


We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.


We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight.
WHY?


Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
--And, we were OKAY.


We would spend hours building
our go-carts out of scraps
and then ride them down the hill,
only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem..


We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo�s a d X-boxes. There were
no video games, no 150 channels on cable,
no video movies or DVDs,
no surround-sound or CDs,
no cell phones,
no personal computers,
no Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS
and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut,
broke bones and teeth,
and there were no lawsuits
from those accidents..

We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse.



We ate worms, and mud pies
made from dirt, and
the worms did not live in us forever.



We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and
-although we were told it would happen- we did not put out very many eyes.




We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.


Little League had tryouts
and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn
to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!



The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!




These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers,
problem solvers, and inventors ever.



The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas..

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.



If YOU are one of those born
between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!



You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.


While you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.



Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
~~~~~~~
The quote of the month
by
Jay Leno:




"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:00 AM   #36
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a
very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.


However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and
questioned his grandfather asking,

'Are these plates clean?'

His grandfather replied,

'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'


For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his
Appeared to have tiny specks around the edge
Edge that looked like dried egg and asked,

'Are you sure these plates are clean?'

Without looking up the old man said,

'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
Clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you
Fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town
And as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog
Started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.



Without diverting his attention from the football game
He was watching on TV, the old man shouted!

'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

Meet Coldwater !
EDIT: theres a pic of a dog here. I couldn't get it to work.


Have a fabulous STRESS FREE day!
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:03 AM   #37
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

a check out clerk, honing his skills of observation, noted that a woman in his grocery line had 1 stick of butter, 1 roll of toilet paper, a cosmo magazine, a lean cuisine, 1 pint of ben & jerrys.

The clerk asked "You are single, aren't you?"

The woman replied in a really snotty voice, "how did you guess?"

The clerk said "Because you're ****ing ugly!"
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Old 03-31-2011, 12:04 AM   #38
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

this was on another thread but I think its hillarious.


All in all, it hadn't been a good day. Bad traffic, a malfunctioning computer, incompetent coworkers and a sore back all made me a seething cauldron of rage. But more importantly for this story, it had been over forty-eight hours since I'd last taken a dump. I'd tried to jumpstart the process, beginning my day with a bowl of bowel-cleansing fiber cereal, following it with six cups of coffee at work, and adding a bean-laden lunch at Taco Bell. As I was returning home from work, my insides let me know with subtle rumbles and the emission of the occasional tiny fart that Big Things would be happening soon. Alas, I had to stop at the mall to go shopping for the wife. I completed this task, and as I was walking past the stores on my way back to the car, I noticed a large sale sign proclaiming, "Everything Must Go!" This was prophetic, for my colon informed me with a sudden violent cramp and a wet, squeaky fart that everything was indeed about to go. I hurried to the mall bathrooms. I surveyed the five stalls, which I have numbered 1 through 5 for your convenience:
1.Occupied.
2.Clean, but Bathroom Protocol forbids its use, as it's next to the occupied one.
3.Poo on seat.
4.Poo and toilet paper in bowl, unidentifiable liquid splattered on seat.
5.No toilet paper, no stall door, unidentifiable sticky object near base of toilet.
Clearly, it had to be Stall #2. I trudged back, entered, dropped trou and sat down. I'm normally a fairly Shameful Shitter. I wasn't happy about being next to the occupied stall, but Big Things were afoot. I was just getting ready to bear down when all of a sudden the sweet sounds of Beethoven came from next door, followed by a fumbling, and then the sound of a voice answering the ringing phone. As usual for a cell phone conversation, the voice was exactly 8 dB louder than it needed to be. Out of Shameful habit, my sphincter slammed shut. The inane conversation went on and on. Mr. Shitter was blathering to Mrs. Shitter about the shitty day he had. I sat there, cramping and miserable, waiting for him to finish. As the loud conversation dragged on, I became angrier and angrier, thinking that I, too, had a crappy day, but I was too polite to yak about in public. My bowels let me know in no uncertain terms that if I didn't get crapping soon, my day would be getting even crappier.

Finally my anger reached a point that overcame Shamefulness. I no longer cared. I gripped the toilet paper holder with one hand, braced my other hand against the side of the stall, and pushed with all my might. I was rewarded with a fart of colossal magnitude -- a cross between the sound of someone ripping a very wet bed sheet in half and of plywood being torn off a wall.
The sound gradually transitioned into a heavily modulated low-RPM tone, not unlike someone firing up a Harley. I managed to hit the resonance frequency of the stall, and it shook gently.

Once my ass cheeks stopped flapping in the breeze, three things became apparent: (1) The next-door conversation had ceased; (2) my colon's continued seizing indicated that there was more to come; and (3) the bathroom was now beset by a horrible, eldritch stench. It was as if a gateway to Hell had been opened. The foul miasma quickly made its way under the stall and began choking my poop-mate. This initial "herald" fart had ended his conversation in mid-sentence.
"Oh my God," I heard him utter, following it with suppressed sounds of choking, and then, "No, baby, that wasn't me (cough, gag), you could hear that (gag)??"
Now there was no stopping me. I pushed for all I was worth. I could swear that in the resulting cacophony of rips, squirts, splashes, poots, and blasts, I was actually lifted slightly off the pot. The amount of stuff in me was incredible. It sprayed against the bowl with tremendous force. Later, in surveying the damage, I'd see that liquid poop had actually managed to ricochet out of the bowl and run down the side on to the floor. But for now, all I could do was hang on for the ride.
Next door I could hear him fumbling with the paper dispenser as he desperately tried to finish his task. Little snatches of conversation made themselves heard over my anal symphony: "Gotta go... horrible... throw up... in my mouth... not... make it... tell the kids... love them... oh God..." followed by more sounds of suppressed gagging and retching.
Alas, it is evidently difficult to hold one's phone and wipe one's bum at the same time. Just as my high-pressure abuse of the toilet was winding down, I heard a plop and splash from next door, followed by string of swear words and gags. My poop-mate had dropped his phone into the toilet. There was a lull in my production, and the restroom became deathly quiet. I could envision him standing there, wondering what to do. A final anal announcement came trumpeting from my behind, small chunks plopping noisily into the water. That must have been the last straw. I heard a flush, a fumbling with the lock, and then the stall door was thrown open. I heard him running out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind him. After a considerable amount of paperwork, I got up and surveyed the damage. I felt bad for the janitor who'd be forced to deal with this, but I knew that flushing was not an option. No toilet in the world could handle that unholy mess. Flushing would only lead to a floor flooded with filth.
As I left, I glanced into the next-door stall. Nothing remained in the bowl. Had he flushed his phone, or had he plucked it out and left the bathroom with nasty unwashed hands? The world will never know. I exited the bathroom, momentarily proud and Shameless, looking around for a face glaring at me. But I saw no one. I suspect that somehow my supernatural elimination has managed to transfer my Shamefulness to my anonymous poop-mate. I think it'll be a long time before he can bring himself to poop in public -- and I doubt he'll ever again answer his cell phone in the shitter. And this, my friends, is why you should never talk on your phone in the bathroom.
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Old 03-31-2011, 01:40 AM   #39
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

shortest joke ever and a bit Canadian....

Seal walks into a club

sorry had to, should be a shirt for all the La Jolla folks.
In Canada our Governor General ate seal heart before the Olympics....top that.
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Old 03-31-2011, 01:20 PM   #40
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by beaver View Post
shortest joke ever and a bit Canadian....

Seal walks into a club

sorry had to, should be a shirt for all the La Jolla folks.
In Canada our Governor General ate seal heart before the Olympics....top that.
Seal walks into a bar and says "give me anything but a club on the rocks".
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― Frederic Bastiat, The Law
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Old 04-01-2011, 01:07 PM   #41
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

What did one ape say to the other ape?......"you look like a prime-mate."

HA!
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Old 04-02-2011, 03:25 PM   #42
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

So I went to the shop to buy Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas today.

The woman in the shop didn't know what it was, so I had to explain it to her.

I told her it was about a black male, who crashes cars, sleeps with hookers, and beats people with golf clubs.

She went off, and came back holding Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010.
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Old 04-02-2011, 03:26 PM   #43
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

I probably shouldn't have driven home from the pub last night...

Especially since I walked there in the first place.
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Old 04-02-2011, 03:51 PM   #44
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to
get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started
on him about,--- "What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And
on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and
was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted
a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she
decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of
her husband, bent over naked, drying his feet.

She said "They're not hanging Wright tonight."

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN,
DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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Old 04-02-2011, 03:52 PM   #45
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience.. Seeing
God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"

God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you."
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