Home Tournaments Calendar Weather Merchandise Sponsors

Go Back   Spearboard.com - The World's Largest Spearfishing Diving Boating Social Media Forum > The Spearboard Tavern > Off Topic Area

Off Topic Area Enjoy a virtual beer at the bar, and talk about anything else on your mind that may not pertain to spearfishing.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Rating: Thread Rating: 12 votes, 5.00 average. Display Modes
Old 06-08-2003, 10:20 PM   #1
Dive4Blood
The Wizard Of HOD
 
Dive4Blood's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Gulf of Mexico
Posts: 2,497
Help Me! My Anus Is On Fire!

Sit back for a tale of misery and woe in the tradition of the greatest of Shakespearean tragedies.

Last night I went to a bachelor party for one of my fraternity brothers from college. While the details of the gallons of beer, pimped out party bus, dozens of shots of liquor, a severely sprained ankle, as well as the endless procession of strippers (who are only trying to pay their way through medical school from what I could gather) are unimportant for purposes of this story, one incident is imperative to note. Several triple deuce funnels (this is malt liquor through a beer funnel), Cuervo, and Three Wiseman (an evil concoction of Jagermesiter, Rumpelmintz, and 151 rum) shots deep into the night I somehow ended up chugging an entire bottle of Smack My Ass And Call Me Sally hot sauce. Perhaps it was the rekindled spirit of past fraternity hijinks, or the fact that Jackass The Movie was playing on the bus that made me gargle the habanero infusion with such glee. Pay careful attention to this as it foreshadows the horrors to come.

I awoke this morning oddly refreshed after only two hours of sleep, invigorated if you will, with none of the ill feelings associated with the type of hangover that feels like a team of gnomes is doing road construction on the inside wall of your skull. After seeing that my ankle was the size of a ham hock in a lovely shade of eggplant purple I decided to go to the emergency room. Two hours later X-rays revealed only a severe sprain, and no broken metatasals. This equals no cast which in turn equals that I'm going diving the next weekend even if they have to duct tape my legs together in full sea mammal mono-fin type fashion. Still feeling fantastic, I stopped at the local Chinese restaurant on the way home for some takeout General Tsao chicken (spicy!).

While in the dining room of my Lutz chalet, the hammer dropped hard on my world after the second bite of the savory General Tsao. A low rumble suddenly eminated from deep within the core of my bowels, like distant thunder at night. My intestines whipped taut like a firehose being turned on while sweat began to drip off my brow as if a commercial irrigation soaker hose had been mounted to my scalp. At that moment I realized that I was in a Def-Con Four, this is not a drill, all hands man your battle stations situation. I staggered off my chair, and hobbled to the toilet all the while resembling the Hunchback of Notre Dame after a nitrous oxide whippet. In one fluid ergonomic motion I dropped my pants as I fell backwards on the bowl. What happened next is almost beyond my capacity to describe in words. It was as if Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of fire was releasing molten magma from deep within the center of the Earth through my anus. My colon was transformed into a fabled medieval dragon spewing great gouts of brimstone, as I steadied myself desperately with my arms on either wall of the bathroom, face contorted in a steely rictus. I prayed to Jesus, Buddha, The Great Spirit, Allah, Chango, and King Neptune simultaneously to help me survive this abomination. For several minutes my GI tract fought an epic battle with the foul demon from the fiery pits of Hades that had taken the mortal form of the Smack My Ass sauce I had imbibed the night before. After what seemed like an eternity I emerged from my pain induced trance to realize that the Great Satan had been cast out, and that I had perservered through my hellish self induced rite of passage.

Two weekends in a row of non-diveable weather, and two weekends in a row of brain shattering hangovers, near fractured ankles, and scorched anuses. I NEED 5 knots and variable next weekend. It's much safer 100' down, eighty miles offshore where the sharks and the jewfish roam. Standing by......

AJ Suarez

Last edited by Dive4Blood; 10-10-2005 at 02:42 PM.
Dive4Blood is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-08-2003, 10:50 PM   #2
Screen Name
Bubble Pack Junkie
 
Screen Name's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Spearboard, Dummy!
Age: 63
Posts: 3,725
D4B.......

Screen Name is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 06:15 AM   #3
WreckDiver
Memeber What?
 
WreckDiver's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: In the Middle of Fl
Posts: 3,797
speachless!
WreckDiver is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 06:35 AM   #4
f94gator
Senior Member
 
f94gator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Tampa - one of the Brothers Hermes
Age: 46
Posts: 5,337
D4B, you're still drunk, aren't you?
f94gator is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 06:47 AM   #5
keyspearfisher
Registered User
 
keyspearfisher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: thinking of JLB
Age: 48
Posts: 980
Three years ago I was jumping off the tool boxes on the back of my truck. I miss judged and landed with my right foot half on the curb. My ankle buckled and you could here the ripping, the pain shot me straight back up. I knew it was good, I have sprained my ankle before, but this was beyond that. Four hours later I was taking my boot off in the ER to see a corpses leg attachhed where mine used to be. X-rays revealed I had not broken any bones but tore four ligaments in my ankle. I had to were one of those plastid boot casts for a couple of weeks. They said they could try sergury, but it might not end up any better than just healing on its own. I hope yours was not as bad as mine AJ, because even to this day my ankle still hurts after I dive. An throbing pain from deep inside.

You have got to love hot sauce twice.
keyspearfisher is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 06:52 AM   #6
greyface
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
It's amazing, the punishment the human body can withstand!
  Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 08:20 AM   #7
GROUPER55
AF Spearo
 
GROUPER55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Ocean Springs, MS
Age: 43
Posts: 388
That was the funniest thing I have heard for 4 months!!! Im definately telling the guys at work to check this thread.....D4B, you were definately born loving to dive, but I think you have a damn good chance at a pulizer..."I would vote for ya!"

...Thanks for the laughs man!
GROUPER55 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 01:48 PM   #8
Nsearch
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Tijuana Flats

Gotta love their sauces!!! Fell in love with Smack My Ass and Call Me Sally in Orlando......

That story is f**king hilarious!! My sides still hurt
  Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 02:02 PM   #9
richhermes
Nappy Headed Ho
 
richhermes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Z-Hills, FL
Age: 51
Posts: 5,416
If you live in Carrollwood in Tampa there is a new Burrito place called Tijuana Flats that literally has Smack My Ass And Call Me Sally hot sauce on tap.

They make a killer burrito too.
richhermes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 02:09 PM   #10
FredT
Registered User
 
FredT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: MS Gulf Coast
Age: 67
Posts: 2,877
D4B, SMA&CMS is an interesting sauce.

While it's not really HOT, it is good enough for most things.
For some other things like warming up a pot of mudbugs or a serious chili straight Red Savina Habaneros are necessary.

Your problem with the exit was probably one of timing. It takes daily doses of a really hot sauce to maintain the calluses! As a man with an endorphin addicted wife (who is trying to find some of those Indian Chemical Weapon Board pepper seeds before habaneros aren't hot enough for her) I don't think I've missed a dose for at least 15 years.

OTOH you can be certain all your intestinal parasites are long gone!

FT
__________________
Ocean Engineer
Design and manufacture of backplates and other custom dive gear.
Contact: FredTGearMS@gmail.com
FredT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 03:06 PM   #11
Reefrat
Urban Dive Trash
 
Reefrat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Looking In The Cooler- Where Else
Age: 49
Posts: 570
My girlfriends sister is married to Tex/Mex that trained for a chain of local mexican resturants in the area. And about once a month she will come over and cook for me.

She makes EVERYTHING from scratch.You cant hardly open your eyes in the kitchen when she's there from all the onions and peppers everywhere. She makes a homemade haberno/jalpeno/chili pepper salsa that will knock your eyes out or burn them out if your a candyass!



Oh Yea Boys a warning- If you ever make/cook/or handle any of those peppers make sure you wash your handsBEFORE you go to Drain The Vein!! (and afterwards if your mommy didnt teach you not to pee on your fingers)
__________________
Because Spearfishing Isn't Catch & Release!

Last edited by Reefrat; 06-09-2003 at 03:18 PM.
Reefrat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 03:14 PM   #12
Reefrat
Urban Dive Trash
 
Reefrat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Looking In The Cooler- Where Else
Age: 49
Posts: 570
Re: D4B, SMA&CMS is an interesting sauce.

Quote:
Originally posted by FredT
While it's not really HOT, it is good enough for most things.
For some other things like warming up a pot of mudbugs or a serious chili straight Red Savina Habaneros are necessary.

Your problem with the exit was probably one of timing. It takes daily doses of a really hot sauce to maintain the calluses! As a man with an endorphin addicted wife (who is trying to find some of those Indian Chemical Weapon Board pepper seeds before habaneros aren't hot enough for her) I don't think I've missed a dose for at least 15 years.

OTOH you can be certain all your intestinal parasites are long gone!

FT
Hey fred check out www.peppers.com they have got some pretty good ones.You can try the Daves Insanity Sauce(i use for cooking) its pretty intense as is his POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS(my dumbass belted back a tablespoon before I read the warning label) which is a step down.
__________________
Because Spearfishing Isn't Catch & Release!
Reefrat is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 04:18 PM   #13
100days-a-year
Seafood Sifu
 
100days-a-year's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Jax Fla
Age: 55
Posts: 3,770
Cool

D4B,that is the funniest thing I have read on this board.I hope Scott will archive this as an example for everyone to follow.My heritage is native Texan and with a Korean step-mom cooking during my childhood hot stuff is in my blood.There is hot sauce called Endorphin Rush after the fact that it hurts so much the second time that your endorphins kick in.Daves is cool as is Scorned Woman,Ass in Space,Ass in a Tub,Assbirin,Ass-Burn,Figs one drop but my favorite is Buffalo Chipotle Sauce,not as hot but very tasty.A cold shower after the john helps.
100days-a-year is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 04:47 PM   #14
junior
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,634
I sympathize with the ankle deal. I'm still recovering from a break last October complete with the screws and plates. Now I imagine you may have your stash of vicodin to nurse you through those hangovers. And, that stuff doesn't make ya next to shit yer pants while enjoying the general's.
junior is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-09-2003, 05:00 PM   #15
keyspearfisher
Registered User
 
keyspearfisher's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: thinking of JLB
Age: 48
Posts: 980
Does your ankle look anything like this? It looked worse than this after a couple of days but the swelling was less. The doc said the swelling was kept down because I left my boot on for so long.
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	small busted ankle.jpg
Views:	1965
Size:	32.7 KB
ID:	2490  

Last edited by keyspearfisher; 06-09-2003 at 05:02 PM.
keyspearfisher is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 10:31 PM.


The World's Largest Spearfishing Diving Social Media Forum Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.1
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright ©2002 - 2014 Spearboard.com