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Old 06-23-2008, 07:03 PM   #1
CAMPILLOS
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Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

A woman's husband had bee slipping in and out of a coma for several months
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
one day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, you know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by mi side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still my my side.....you know waht?

What dear? she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

" I think you're bad luck....get the **** away from me ":

Keep them coming.
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Old 06-23-2008, 09:56 PM   #2
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

bump
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Old 06-23-2008, 10:03 PM   #3
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

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Old 06-24-2008, 01:11 AM   #4
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

barack obama showed up at the pearly gates of heaven. when he encountered st. peter, he asked him,
"what's the greatest thing you've done on earth?"
"i was the first black president of the united states of america."
"when did you become president?"
"about 15 minutes ago."
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Old 06-24-2008, 07:59 AM   #5
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Old 06-24-2008, 09:16 AM   #6
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

A plane is decreasing speed rapidly downward, the pilot comes over the
>
> intercom and says 'i'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but
>
> unfortunately we're gonna have to let some of the luggage go'...the
>
> plane continues to decrease speed. Again you hear the pilot over the
>
> intercom 'i hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start
>
> releasing passengers by alphabet order beginning with the letter
>
> 'A!!!'...AFRICANS, ANY AFRICANS?!?... No one answers 'B!!!' BLACK
>
> PEOPLE ANY BLACK PEOPLE?!? again, silence. 'C!!!' COLORED PEOPLE, ANY
>
> COLORED PEOPLE?!?...silence. A black boy in the back turns to his
>
> mother and says 'but mom, aren't we african american?, aren't we
>
> black? Aren't we colored?' the mother turns to her son and says ' yes
>
> son, but today we NIGGAS!!!...mexicans go first..
>
>The little black boy turns to the little mexican kid sitting next to
>
>him and laughs...!!! The Mexican kid laughs back and say today I'm a WETBACK!!
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Old 06-24-2008, 12:34 PM   #7
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Two English businessmen in London were sitting
> > down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As
> > yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves
> > set up one said to the other, "I bet any minute
> > now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put is
> > face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
> >
> > No sooner were the words out of his mouth when,
> > sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the
> > window, had a peek, and in a thick Irish accent
> > asked "What
> > might ye be sellin' here?"
> >
> > One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're
> > selling ass-holes."
> >
> > Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said,
> > "You're doing well.... only two left."
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Old 06-30-2008, 09:22 PM   #8
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

a girl went on a fishing trip with five guys.
she came home with a big red snapper.
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Old 06-30-2008, 10:53 PM   #9
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

a man walks into a bar and noticed a jar full of $100 bills. he asked the bar tender what it was for. the bar tender said, thats the tuff man chalange jar. the man asked whats the tuff man chalange. the bar tender said first you put $100 bill in the jar, then drink this bottle of wiskey, when your done with that take the bouncer outside and kick his ass. if you manage to do that, go outback by the dumpster, i have a pitbull with a bad tooth, you have to pull the tooth out, then go upstairs and have sex with large marge. if you can do all that the money is yours.

the man decided to have a few drinks and think it over. after about 20 min he pulled out his $100 bill, slamed it in the jar. the bar tender slides him a bottle of wiskey. he breaks the top off and down it went. he stumbled over to the front door, grabs the bouncer by his ear, drags him outside and beats him down. he stumbles back into the bar and heads out the back door. the pitbull starts yelping and barking. the man comes back into the bar, looks at the bar tender and said,OK where's that fat bitch with the bad tooth.
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Old 07-01-2008, 12:57 AM   #10
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

SOoo...God created the earth, the heavens, and all things. He put Adam in the garden of eden. After a week, he checked in with his favorite creation. Adam told God" Everything is great, but I feel very alone." Taking pity upon him, God created Eve, and told Adam he would let them figure it all out, how nature would take its' course as the world unfolded.

A week went by, and God checked in on Adam: " Do you like Eve?" ' Oh yeah!!!' Replied Adam. "Did you figure out what to do with Eve??" Adam grins real big; 'Yes I did God. Thaaannnk you!!'
"So Adam, where is Eve?"
'She's in the river, washing up God.'

"Oh shit.....now all the fish are gonna smell like that."

Borrowd from Bill's thread.....
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Old 07-01-2008, 02:42 AM   #11
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope....... .just when it's raining."
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Old 07-01-2008, 02:44 AM   #12
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by CAMPILLOS View Post
A plane is decreasing speed rapidly downward, the pilot comes over the
>
> intercom and says 'i'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but
>
> unfortunately we're gonna have to let some of the luggage go'...the
>
> plane continues to decrease speed. Again you hear the pilot over the
>
> intercom 'i hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start
>
> releasing passengers by alphabet order beginning with the letter
>
> 'A!!!'...AFRICANS, ANY AFRICANS?!?... No one answers 'B!!!' BLACK
>
> PEOPLE ANY BLACK PEOPLE?!? again, silence. 'C!!!' COLORED PEOPLE, ANY
>
> COLORED PEOPLE?!?...silence. A black boy in the back turns to his
>
> mother and says 'but mom, aren't we african american?, aren't we
>
> black? Aren't we colored?' the mother turns to her son and says ' yes
>
> son, but today we NIGGAS!!!...mexicans go first..
>
>The little black boy turns to the little mexican kid sitting next to
>
>him and laughs...!!! The Mexican kid laughs back and say today I'm a WETBACK!!

Of course, the black kid responded..."but we's Zulus...out you go!"
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Old 07-01-2008, 04:11 AM   #13
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Voted Joke of the year in Australia

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian
> coast.
> He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible
> night wondering what could have happened to her.
> Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by
> a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge
> says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad
> news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
>
> 'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news
> first?'
> The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead.
> Young Bill here found her lying at about
> five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line
> around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is
> naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But
> after a few minutes
> he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
> The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite
> a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her,
> so we've brought you your share.'
> He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and
> four or five crabs in it.
> 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind
> and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
>
> 'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
> Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over
> there and pull her up again!
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Old 07-01-2008, 08:16 AM   #14
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified as he stared at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"



The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery..
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home
"I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Old 07-01-2008, 08:39 AM   #15
rojodiablo
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

A priest and a rabbi are sitting on a park bench, watching kids play on the merry go round. The priest says" I bet we could screw all these kids!"
And the rabbi says "Yeah? Out of what???"
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